daeD s'naM tsehC
by silmelinde
Summary: What would happen if we watched PotC backwards? The end is the beginning and the beginning is the end. Insanity guaranteed.


Disclaimer: Them own don't I.

I have no idea why I've chosen to begin with the Dead Man's Chest. The first scene drifted into my head randomly. A humour fic a big experiment since I haven't written one before in this genre. I don't consider myself much of a comedian. A sense of humour isn't fakeable, it's either present or not, so here's to hope that what I've scribbled down is actually funny. Please review if you believe this fic is worth continuing.

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**The End is the Beginning **

The movie opens with a glorious shot of a beating heart. It symbolises fulfillment of the heart's greatest desires for showing outstanding bravery in the face of insurmountable odds. But, frankly it has the looks and odour of a pile of dung carried across the sea under a sweaty armpit.

Beckett looks disgusted at having it on his table that took his servants seven hours to polish.

With an arrogant smirk, Norrington jerks the Heart of Davy Jones off Beckett's table. A pack of flies buzzing around the smelly pouch retracts into Norrington's jacket.

"I hope you have something of equal value to trade?" Becketts asks, to which Norrington also steals the Letters of Marque from the very official and very big table above which we can see Beckett's head only because he's sitting on a pillow.

With an enigmatic, "I took the liberty of filling my name in." Norrington struts out of Beckett's office like he owns it. As he goes out the door, the ETC soldiers make a show of escorting him, which proves that any guards doing their job for money only without enthusiasm are there to look tuff until a really dangerous man shows up.

Beckett looks mildly irritated because he has to cover up a porn magazine with an important paperwork as a manservant named Ralph shows up and announces that he has a visitor.

_I hope this one's in for assassination_ thinks Ralph, regarding a dirty man in a ripped uniform the crew fished out of the water, who crossed half the Caribbean in a rowing boat with an unhealthy gleam in his eyes.

The scene shifts to the _Flying Dutchman_. "Damn you Jack Sparrow!" hollows Davy Jones up at the cloud that looks like Jack. He looks down into the empty chest and closes it. Two fish people carry it away. "I must see it!" utters Davy Jones and staggers to the railing.

The fish crew is nodding enthusiastically in agreement with whatever their Captain is saying. In the background, there's a self-advertising poster about bos'un evening classes on how to suck up to your boss properly to avoid whip lashes.

Davy Jones raises the telescope and focuses it on the spot where the giant Kraken pushes the _Black Pearl_ onto the sea surface.

The Kraken roars mightily, probably complaining about indigestion, and spits Captain Jack Sparrow out onto the deck. Completely covered in most deplorable goo, Jack drops his hat and then runs to chain himself to the mast.

Thinking this is all too weird the Kraken rolls its eyes and slowly sinks into the sea while Jack painstakingly puts together an oil lap with the tip of his sword.

A rowing boat is bobbing up on the waves, moving towards the _Black Pearl_. The pirates in it look appropriately spooked because they aren't sure why they are rowing towards a monster infested ship.

Will ties the boat to the ship. He's rather unenthusiastic, suspecting he's about to witness a kissing scene that doesn't include him.

Elizabeth climbs aboard the _Black Pearl_. "I'm sorry," she says and kisses Jack, while the Kraken is peeking through the cannon porthole.

As Elizabeth unchains Jack from the mast, the pirates join them on the scorched deck where Mr Cotton's parrot suggests making a complete list of the damaged inventory for the insurance company. Unfortunately, the insurance company is run by Beckett who probably invented the word lawyer. The argument ensues because Jack thinks it would be best to sue Davy Jones for damages inflicted by his pet instead.

Their argument is interrupted by a wicked cool explosion cloud of gunpowder and rum that sucks itself back into the net. The Kraken discovers that he lost his favourite toothpick on the _Black Pearl_ and re-emerges to perform a thorough search. Will does a flying Jackie Chan type of kick that gets his leg entangled in the net.

This interrupts Jack's plan because he wanted to make himself look heroic by shooting the barrows. Jack pouts and drops the gun onto Elizabeth's head.

"You came back!" Elizabeth exclaims and with a diminished smile crawls back down the stairs. She issues muffled curses as the Kraken grabs her foot and drags her face down across the deck, thinking she may have his toothpick.

Jack sulks because Elizabeth was unhappy to see him and climbs overboard, deciding to accept his uncle Frank's invitation to a saucy beach resort at the nearby island.

Broken ship parts and cannon balls are flying everywhere. The Kraken performs a wide-scale strip search for which it's rather handy to have so many tentacles. Meanwhile, Jack recalls that Gibbs owes him five shillings and changes his mind about running away again.

The chapter ends: tears in his eyes, Jack is rowing away from the cozy tropical island where hot Tortuga prostitutes are waving at him from the beach with the bottles of rum.


End file.
